Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
