Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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