forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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