I wish I could teleport
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
