Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My dick has a subreddit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
