I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
