I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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