We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
