my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm passing your future prison.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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