Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
