I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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