I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
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