brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..