Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
