i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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