Im at strip club and am horny
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
