They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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