Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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