You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
