I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
