I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it because I queefed?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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