Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
