If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
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In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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