just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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