a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
