it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
