My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Pooping to opera.
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