I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
nutella sex= disaster
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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