I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
