I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
