Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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