I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
