before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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