Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
