ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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