I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
