I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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