remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
