just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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