I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
