We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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