yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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