just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Actions speak louder than pants.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That was before I lit my hair on fire
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
