Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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