Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Terrible idea I love it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
