so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
