I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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