I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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