My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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