I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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