Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
