Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
