Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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