Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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