Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
