I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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