I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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