i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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