I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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