My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The power of my boobs compel you
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
