your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
