Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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