if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
