She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
